I find it difficult to watch the ongoing problem of the relationship monopole. Adam came tired from work, but what really cheered him up was the thought about going out for a beer with his male friends, in the evening after work.
He sent a few text messages to his friends, hoping to turn their world upside down by managing to get them all out for a beer, just like that, in the middle of the week, after work. But we’re not talking about childish examples of dead drunk males who puke on the street while getting hookers, or fighting in a bar. We’re just talking about a simple and friendly going-out gathering between friends. His message got replied quickly and as expected: the guys would like to go out tonight, but they are tired and want to spend time with their spouses, how could they leave her alone and risk having an argument about it?!
They would like to go out, but would rather avoid getting their possessive girls upset, so they just give up. But it’s Ok, he is already used to the billions of daily compromises, like having to put up with his girlfriend fiery attitude who is very difficult to please and makes no sense most of the time. He sometimes wants to go out for a walk, alone, but she kept calling him, thinking he was cheating on her.
He would like to see other countries, to explore the world, but he’s got a girlfriend/wife and she would never agree to let him go do that and she would threaten to break up with him. But even on the rare occasions he does manage to go out with her and his friends, she starts creating tension again. She doesn’t like something, or another, she wants to go to another particular place, or a different one. She has a headache, toothache, needs special attention. He just can’t fully enjoy one night out without having to babysit his energy consumer spousal unit.
The sad part about our Adam is that he doesn’t really acknowledge that he’s being overwhelmed and stomped by his girlfriend foot, who he keeps worshiping. If he would break up with her, it’s going to be tough, he might miss out on sex, and he doesn’t want to start over with another relationship, what if things would be even worse then. He’s afraid of being single and taking decisions on his own, with the complete freedom of not having to ask anyone’s permission. No, that sounds very discouraging, he would rather have a guaranteed sufferance, than the possibility of a better life.
He’s just a simple middle man, a subcontractor, he only receives the information, but the decisions belong mostly to her. Just like the saying goes: “I take all the decisions in my house, my wife only takes the important ones.” After a while, blinded and burden by the ever-increasing possessiveness of his spouse, he starts thinking that this is normal, that’s how a relationship should be and he can’t accept the fact that he’s being bossed around. He even thinks he has power of decisions and has responsibilities in this relationship, he’s certainly not her puppet.
The tendency of keeping your spouse on a tight leash stems from the fear of not being in control, which for some is the prime occupation in a relationship. This also reflects uncertainty of one self and lack of trust in your partner, and most importantly it shows immature thinking and lack of experience with a healthy relationship. If she got used to having short and boring relationships where she had to control everything, obviously she would keep pushing that trend on future relationships if she would be allowed to do so.
If you truly love someone, how can you choose to have a destructive behavior towards them? What’s the logic in that? Did you come on this Earth only to obey other people’s wishes or to choose how you really want to live? Slaves are those who don’t even see the chains on their feet.
Every time you are afraid of standing up for yourself in front of your spouse, that’s a sign you’re not really free in that relationship, you are under his/her will. This awful game becomes a perpetuum mobile which greatly accelerates your premature aging, deteriorating your health and fast accumulation of a huge burden of regrets.
She would also like to go out sometimes with her female friends, without him, he thinks that can be dangerous, maybe she would blow a stranger in the club and will betray their love, she shouldn’t go there unattended. Or maybe she would just want to watch a movie she likes, but which he doesn’t want to watch and keeps getting on her nerves.
If a man should have the power and courage to completely reject any first attempts of her to control and manipulate their relationship, all those problems could easily be avoided, just like a plague that never happened due to preventive vaccination. It’s just like a transaction where stupid is the one who conforms with the terms, not the one making the request.
Many times, the autonomy of relationship decisions is annihilated by emotional blackmail, which is one of the most disgusting and often used forms of psychosocial domination. Interestingly enough, possessive people (especially women) don’t really have many friends and hang out most of the times with his group of friends. I wonder why… Furthermore, they don’t consider themselves as being possessive, they are only responsible for making sure the relationship keeps improving, because they trust their own judgement more than their partner’s judgement, thinking they know better. “What would men be without women, huh…”
Many men choose relationships with obviously difficult women for fear of being single, because they want to have sex (occasionally), because they choose to have a weak personality, because they don’t trust themselves or maybe they just see it as natural to have to ask for permission for everything they do, just like in childhood.
Many women choose relationships with a possessive man for fear of being single, because they choose to have a weak personality, lack trust in themselves and enjoy the mediocrity of such a relationship and because they think their partner would change according to their needs. So they want the same man, but better.
I find it very amusing when people tell me I’m stubborn, just because I don’t do what they tell me to do. So if I don’t comply with their orders, I’m stubborn, as if their orders are undeniably the best thing for me. Something similar happens while driving, and both of them carefully inspect the map and if one of them will choose the wrong way, the other will forever disregard his capacity of reading a map in the future.
What saddens me the most is that many of the people I see as being in detrimental relationships, completely deny being stepped on by their spouse. Maybe I’m just a lunatic and I’m imagining things that don’t exists. No wonder there is such misery in many relationships. I am really interested in your feedback about this subject. What are your thoughts?