I checked a few social networks where I say people posting ideas about the perfect partner, which most of them said it does not really exist, there is no such thing as a perfect partner and we should be “realistic” about it and stop dreaming. I have a different understanding of the word “realist” and when I see a person sending out negative thoughts about a particular subject, masked by the idea of being “realistic” about it, I feel a sudden start of constipation. It has become clear to me that one a few people really know how they want their partner to be like.
Obviously, most would want the same cliche: “I want a good and honest man.” Well who the hell wants a bad man who is also a liar?! Using the idea of “vague goals bring vague results”, if I have no idea what I want my partner to be like, I will probably not recognize her when I meet her and then I will start crying after she would be gone, saying that I did not appreciate what I had until it was gone, bla bla. This is not to say the I must make a mathematical plan of how my perfect partner should be like, but I can take a few minutes to underlie most of the things I would want her to have.
It’s always funny to see some people excluding the notion of the perfect partner, because they consider themselves to be realistic. I bet those same people would not be able to describe in detail what exactly are they looking for in a partner and will use the same line of wanting a good and honest person.
If I want to meet my other half, I must then do something which is often overlooked. I need to ask myself: “What will I offer you in that relationship?” If I look like Al Bundy, I shouldn’t aim for Miss Universe. I will most likely attract females on the same frequency. Unless I am rich, then I can have a harem. So here lies the problem: often I look for something that I am not, sometimes I want someone who is just too different than me. If I want a pretty girl, cheerful, full of live, clean and very romantic, it goes without saying that I should provide the same things first and then look for those qualities in her.
Another false idea is that of: “whoever wants me, loves me just the way I am.” This actually translates to: “I am a lazy person who just wants to receive unconditional love from my partner, without making any compromises.”
Another false flag is: “what is mine, will always be there!” Presuming that would be the case, how will I be able to know it’s her, when I am not sure what I am looking for?! I bet she would definitely not wear a big sign saying: “it is me, open up!” If someone is meant to be with me but it’s not manifesting yet, will be just wishful thinking unless I shed some light on what I really want to have and start working on getting that.
Another big mistake, at least in my case, is that most of the times I want to somehow, magically find the perfect partner without any trial and error first. Just like Cupid would strike ones and then a perfect match would be formed. I think that in order for me to clearly understand what am I really looking form, I need to have the experience of a few relationships, where I will gain more knowledge and experience and will know better what I like and what I don’t like.
Then I will narrow down my search, because I will know better what I’m looking for. If I had met my other half in high school, I would not know what to do from that point on. Depending on the age, every relationship has its creative potential and it’s foolish to expect lifetime commitments on the early stages, when we are just starting to experience life in a relationship.
Also, what I think I really want, may not be what I really need. Several times I have projected the ideology of my perfect partner on a pretty face that I met, lying to myself that it has to work and kept insisting on that, disregarding all the flashing lights and lack of compatibility. The most common feelings were about despair, getting rushed into something and basically fooling myself. And please tell me, you who would see yourself as a “realist”, haven’t you ever experienced anything like that before? How realistic were you then?
I should not push on a relationship to make it work, nor should I project the ideal partner on someone who I really don’t want. I should not stay in a relationship just to avoid being single and should never talk bad about any of the past relationships I had while blaming them for making me suffer. This concept of blaming past relationships can also be found on “realists”.
The reality is that both people make mistakes in a relationship. There is no such thing as a relationship where only he is the one making mistakes, while she is an angel. Raise the hand who never made a mistake in a relationship and was the only victim after the breakup. The simple fact of accepting too much crap from someone is a mistake, just like it is a mistake to project who you really want, on someone how you would want to be like that.
Sometimes people also ask too much from their partners. There was a joke about that, probably a true story, where a beautiful woman placed an ad on the newspapers matrimonial category. She said she is a beautiful woman, classy and wants a rich man. Shortly, a billionaire investment banker wrote back and told her that she is not worth the investment, because she is not a long term equity. She will get old and ugly pretty fast, while his money will keep growing, so she is simply a bad long-term investment is she only counts on her looks to get the money.
I will always jump wholeheartedly in a new relationship, ignoring the fact that I have suffered in the past. So what? I’m sorry to break this to you, but if you had a bad relationship in the past, you are unique, just like everybody else… So what can we do then? To make the current partner pay the price for my past experiences? This would be a pathetic and widely seen solution. I find it constructive to keep going forward and not judge someone based on my past experiences.
And one big mistake that I have repeatedly done was that I wanted my partner to change, to become the woman I always wanted. I have no right to ask anybody for that, and will never be able to fully change someone, just like I will never change for anybody else. All the personal characters of a persons should be well taken in consideration before committing to a long term relationship and a personal agreement should be made if a relationship with that kind of person is worth the trouble or not. If not, then it’s pointless to expect that person to change for you, just like you would not be a different person.
But what really saddens me is that each and every one of us really have at least one perfectly compatible person in this world, but they are mostly involved in a other relationships with people who they should not be within the first place, where they project their wishes on their current partner. There is also the case where some people would just refuse to have a relationship with someone, because they are misjudging that person or he might not be enough for them. And the we wonder why we have beautiful women who are single for a long time.
For quite a while I thought that love would be the only thing necessary for a great relationship, but that’s not the case. Love, respect, compatibility, opened and honest communication and avoiding the pathetic ego! This is, in my limited view, the basic foundation for a successful long term relationship. I have stopped being the same hypocrite who kept blaming past relationships, acting from a victim-based mentality. All I can say is THANK YOU for all relationships I have ever had! I have expanded my experience from each and every one of them, I learned new things, I cried, laughed, suffered, I also caused suffering and I choose to use this experience in a constructive and positive way.
The perfect partner does exist! You are someone else’s perfect partner and also a wrong partner for some people. The perfect partner is not a fixed thing, it varies from one person to another and it is based on the sum of all human treats we want someone to have, assuming we know what we want and we can also offer the same. What are your thoughts?
Next 'life' article: love conquers all?
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